-By Political Correspondent
(Lanka-e-News -02.April.2025, 11.20 PM) In a groundbreaking investigation that has left Sri Lanka’s security experts scratching their heads and facepalming in unison, a young supermarket employee has been accused of being a radical threat—not for smuggling contraband, not for plotting a cyber-attack, but for pasting a sticker. Yes, dear reader, a sticker.
According to police sources (who we assume are working overtime on this high-profile case), the suspect was arrested not just for pasting a sticker condemning Israeli military actions in Gaza but because he apparently harbored “extremist views.” The authorities have now launched a thorough forensic investigation into his electronic devices, presumably in search of more stickers, radical memes, and perhaps an unsanctioned WhatsApp group titled “Sticker Revolution 2024.”
Sri Lankan authorities, always known for their precision in handling serious national threats (cough still looking for economic stability cough), have now decided that a sticker can be the gateway to radicalization. One officer, speaking under the condition of anonymity (probably out of sheer embarrassment), claimed that the young man “could be manipulated into engaging in terrorist activity.” The evidence? Well, that’s still under investigation, but at this rate, even a Che Guevara t-shirt might require counterterrorism intervention.
The suspect’s devices are currently undergoing a forensic examination. Early reports suggest that the police have uncovered dangerously subversive materials, such as:
A playlist of Palestinian resistance songs (which could also just be melancholic Arabic ballads)
A folder labeled “Favorite Stickers”
A search history that includes “how to make protest banners” and “best glue for posters”
Sources inside the police department have also revealed that they are considering whether the man’s past interest in political documentaries constitutes an early sign of radicalization. His Netflix watchlist may soon be added to the charge sheet.
In a plot twist worthy of a Netflix political thriller, the police proudly announced that the suspect would be deradicalized by the ACJU (All Ceylon Jamiyyathul Ulama), a Sri Lankan religious organization. ACJU, however, had a different take: “Wait, what? No, we’re not involved in any deradicalization program.”
Imagine being ACJU right now—casually going about your day, organizing sermons, advising on religious matters, when suddenly you find out through the news that you’re running a national deradicalization program for people arrested over stickers. It’s almost as if the police came up with the plan after the press conference. If ACJU’s response was a facepalm, it was well-deserved.
In what can only be described as a world-class case of miscommunication (or, let’s be honest, complete cluelessness), the Sri Lankan police now have to explain:
Why they thought ACJU was running deradicalization programs
What their actual plan is for deradicalization (if it exists)
How one man’s sticker led to this whole fiasco
In a country still reeling from economic crises, corruption scandals, and a political circus that never seems to end, one might think that the police would have bigger fish to fry. But no—Sri Lanka has now entered the era of sticker-based radicalization.
At this rate, we might need a new division within the security forces: the Sticker Counterterrorism Unit (SCU), fully equipped with anti-glue squads, psychological experts in the art of political decals, and a special hotline for reporting suspicious sticker activity. “See something? Say something! Call 119 if you see a sticker with strong political opinions!”
If this investigation continues at its current level of intensity, we can expect a national ban on bumper stickers, graffiti, and maybe even political cartoons. Sri Lanka, after all, cannot risk a revolution starting with a well-placed vinyl decal.
While the world watches real conflicts unfold, Sri Lanka has once again managed to outdo itself in absurdity. A sticker has become a symbol of radicalization, an organization has been assigned a job it didn’t sign up for, and law enforcement has seemingly declared war on adhesives.
One thing is clear: if this case sets a precedent, the future of political expression in Sri Lanka looks bleak. So, dear citizens, be warned—stickers today, fridge magnets tomorrow. The Sticker Police are watching!
-By Political Correspondent
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by (2025-04-02 18:53:25)
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