-When fleeing leaders share tips on escape routes and post-presidency survival
(Lanka-e-News -09.Dec.2024, 11.30 PM) Damascus, December 2024 -As rebel forces closed in on the heart of Damascus, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad found himself in an unexpected position: dialing former Sri Lankan President Gotabaya Rajapaksa for advice on how to flee a country in flames. What unfolded was a cross-continental comedy of errors, filled with questionable advice, misplaced confidence, and enough political irony to fuel a late-night talk show.
The phone reportedly buzzed late in the evening, with a frantic Assad on one end and a slightly bemused Rajapaksa on the other.
“Hello, is this… Gota?” Assad began, cautiously.
“Yes, yes, the one and only,” Rajapaksa replied, apparently lounging in his Colombo villa. “How can I help, brother in chaos?”
Assad wasted no time. “I need your expertise. I hear you managed to escape Sri Lanka when mobs stormed your palace. Teach me your ways.”
Gota, never one to underplay his talents, chuckled. “Ah, the art of the political Houdini. Step one: find a proxy president. I left Ranil Wickremesinghe in charge. He’s a specialist in looking like he’s in control when everything is actually on fire.”
Assad pressed on, “But where do I go? I’ve got a plane on standby, but I don’t know where to land.”
“Well, I first went to the Maldives,” Gota explained. “Lovely beaches, but not great for hiding. Tourists everywhere with cameras. Before you know it, they’re uploading TikToks of your escape. Plus, those islanders are greedy; they’ll empty your pockets faster than rebels empty your palace!”
Assad paused. “What about Singapore?”
“Ah, Singapore!” Gota exclaimed. “Clean streets, strict laws… but no real protection. You’ll be safe until someone wants you out, then it’s ‘goodbye, Your Excellency.’ My advice? Skip it. Moscow is your best bet. Putin doesn’t care if you’ve got skeletons in your closet—so long as they don’t threaten his closet.”
“But Gota,” Assad pressed, “what if I want to fight? What’s your military strategy? You were a war hero, weren’t you?”
This question was met with awkward silence before Gota coughed nervously. “Ah, about that. You see, I wasn’t exactly on the battlefield. My brother Mahinda made me Defense Secretary, and I just shouted orders from a comfy chair. The real hero was Sarath Fonseka—he did all the heavy lifting. I mostly waved at soldiers and gave press conferences.”
Assad’s voice grew more desperate. “So you have no battlefield advice?”
“Well,” Gota said slowly, “if your army loses, just say you’re focusing on a ‘strategic retreat.’ Sounds better than ‘run for your lives.’ And if rebels take your palace, remember to pack an emergency suitcase with cash, passports, and a burner phone.”
By this point, Assad was furiously taking notes, but Gota wasn’t done. “Oh, and one last thing. When you’re in exile, it’s important to have someone who’ll smooth things over back home. For me, that’s Ranil. He’s like a professional janitor—always cleaning up after my messes. But his advice? Terrible! He once told me, ‘Smile more. People like a cheerful dictator.’ Absolute nonsense.”
Assad sighed. “Gota, I don’t have a Ranil.”
“Well, you’ll need to improvise,” Gota said. “Maybe find a general who likes the spotlight. They can take over and distract everyone while you enjoy Russian vodka in Moscow.”
As the call wrapped up, Assad thanked Gota for his “wisdom” and promised to keep in touch. “If I ever need more tips, I’ll call you,” Assad said.
“Please do,” Gota replied. “And remember: silence is golden. Don’t go around giving interviews or writing memoirs. Let people forget your mistakes. It’s what I do best!”
Back in Sri Lanka, Gota reportedly ended the call with a smirk. “Another dictator saved,” he muttered to himself. He then called Ranil Wickremesinghe, ostensibly to ask for more advice, proving that even the masters of escape sometimes need a helping hand.
As for Assad, rumors swirl about his whereabouts. Some say he’s in Moscow, while others claim he’s considering a quick detour to Belarus for a “diplomatic retreat.” Wherever he lands, one thing’s for certain: he’s unlikely to return to Damascus with a warm welcome.
Lessons for Fleeing Leaders
1. Choose Your Proxy Wisely: Not everyone can be a Ranil Wickremesinghe, capable of holding the fort with a poker face.
2. Location Matters: Maldives is for Instagram, not asylum. Moscow? Now that’s a fortress.
3. Don’t Believe Your Own Press: Being labeled a “military genius” doesn’t mean you actually know what you’re doing.
4. Plan Ahead: Always pack a “getaway kit.” You never know when a mob will decide to redecorate your palace.
While this tale of two fleeing presidents is steeped in absurdity, it offers a rare glimpse into the high-stakes, low-competence world of political survival. Assad’s desperation and Gota’s overconfidence make for an odd pairing, proving once again that truth is stranger—and funnier—than fiction.
Will Assad follow Gota’s roadmap to exile, or will he carve out his own path? Only time will tell. But one thing’s for sure: wherever Assad lands, he’ll probably be wondering why he ever picked up the phone in the first place.
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by (2024-12-09 22:09:13)
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